How to “Just Breathe”: A quick glimpse at a frantic mind in a chaotic society.
“Just Breathe” they said…
For as long as I can understand, I have been living under the rapid pulse of high anxiety. At times I did not consider it a disorder, I’ve always thought of it as something I just….am. My high vibrating baseline even. It took me plenty of outlets and Ted talks to understand it as something one must learn to accept in order to maintain and regulate. The power it has to hold and control, the very tightness of its grip is subjective, I was surprised to learn. I had never known it was different for everyone. I just always wished and wondered how I could be cool, calm, and collected like the company I kept. It wasn’t until I got sent home with a prescription after answering mundane questions my physician asked that I realized I was in deeper water than I could swim.
Now, for sure there are types of medications I could ingest to help ease, calm, or numb me away from personal pressured paranoia. I know medication has countless benefits. I have a number of prescribed tubes of pills, all nearly full, that have been highly recommended for such a skittish individual as myself. I have also learned through self-soothing there are beautiful pills and substances that work wonders too. I just have yet to personally see a light at the end of those tunnels. So, in my naiveté, I’ve sought out to trick my own mind into healing itself. Of course there goes the incessant “What are you thinking ?!” chatter. Is that even crazy to think? Could I have the mindset to fix this? Is this fixable? What tools do I need? Are they out there? Can I cure my conditioned mind with…my mind?
I believe so. I truly believe that I can conquer my own mind without transmorphing to the highest of healing powers, or resorting to extreme levels of religious regaling or committing my conscious mind to crazy town. I can overcome this unbearable weight. The spectrum flunks and fluctuates on the daily, but can I stay “lax’ed” in a lovely limbo? Is it possible to let go of this large larynx lump that has been building since it was given? And yes, it was given. I did not give it to myself. Nor did others. As I started to express the inner workings of my mental mind externally to those who made me feel the safest, I found that so many of them understood. Not a single other person I confided in voluntarily vied to live in fight or flight mode freely. Just like me, it had bombarded them, or it had slowly seeped its way in. Seemingly through osmosis it seeped into my bloodstream and rewired my malleable mind at a very young age. Running with the bulls like bullets that would blast faster and heavier in my skull. Misconstruing realities, lifestyles, and truths. It has taken me quite the journey to understand the makeup of such an anxiety abyss. Unveiling the “What” flowed right into the “How”. What is it really? How does it affect me? How do I change from it? How do I truly change?
As cliche as it may sound, it is a search for truth. What truly is my truth? Who built the reality of uneven bricks I am constantly tip-toeing on, in fear crumpling to the depths of the highest degree of despair? Which sometimes feels like a needed break. I would love to be in despair sometimes. Just to slow down. Exhaust myself to the point where I can’t even think anymore. What a luxury. Table for me, please! I’ll have nothing to eat or drink, I am too nervous and neurotic to stay in case someone comes in, calls me back up, pulls me further down. So where’s the right level? Where’s the foundation or grounding I put out for myself, if I even did? Can I build it now or is it too late?
Well from what I can gather so far, it isn’t and I am. On the searching for truth, and that elated emotion that’s so associated with Enlightenment, maybe I do search for that curious control. That balanced baseline. I have become very aware of how much I’ve talked myself into fearing my mind. Maybe it’s time to make friends with it. And in such a time as this, isolated, with only me, I do feel its precious time to purely pay attention. So how do I really start? In reading the constant barrage of “Just Breathe” self-help construction, I’ve found it incredibly hard and harmful to do just that.
Step one: Breathe.
Well, I’m screwed.
How do I “Just Breathe” when I’ve never properly learned how? How can I “Just Breathe” when that only ignites the inward spiral, locking my lungs up tighter to my spine? How has there been no remedy, or not that I’ve encountered, for those who simply can’t “Just Breathe”? The prompt to “Just Breathe” triggers my whole self into believing I can’t. That, is the mountain. That right there is the crux. That is the mentality to trick myself back into a stable sane lane.
“Just Breathe” ?
Just remember, you are stopping yourself from breathing. Just remind your mind you are the one who can choose to focus on breathing or something less anxiety enhancing. Just remember, this will pass. Just realize it’s only your reaction to feeling threatened. Just reach out for your own hand. Just hold that hand so tight. Just know that you are safe. Just stop telling your brain to tell your lungs to work. Just come back to behind your breath. Just, just. Then, maybe you can understand how to “Just Breathe”. So here I go….and exhale…